Walking Down the Memory Lane

over it

I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me
When you know I'm not okay.
You call me and I...
And I pick up the phone.
And though you've been telling me, I know you don't miss me
You just say you do.

You like seeing me down
That's when you call, when I'm vulnerable.
You like making me feel miserable

Oh and that's why

Your eyes... I'm over it.
You're smile... I'm over it.
Realized... I'm over it, I'm over it, I'm over...

Wanting you to be wanting me.
No, that ain't no way to be.
How I feel.
Read my lips.
Because I'm so over...

Moving on
It is my time.
You never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first a little bit
But now I'm so over
So over it.
I'm so over it...

Wanting you to be wanting me.
No, that ain't no way to be.
How I feel.
Read my lips.
Because I'm so over it.

Moving on
It is my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first a little bit
Now I'm so over
So over it.

nostalgia

nostalgia n. a sentimental longing for the past.

I am by far the most nostalgic person that I know, and I can't help it.

I am one of those people who craves for the past. I'm the type to miss everything that was and generally I crave for the life I had before. Sometimes I even long for the people who used to be a part of my life. I miss family members who have passed away, old friends who have decided to go our separate ways, and of course the ex boyfriends. I wonder, is it even healthy to be like this? Being always on the move, people assumed that I was great at saying goodbye and starting anew. Going through fairly a lot for almost 20 years of existence, truth is, I still find it more difficult each time.

I’ve always believed that everyone we meet in life, we meet for a reason. I believe that there’s a purpose behind why certain individuals were made present into our lives. Some are there to make living a pain, and torture us emotionally. Some to keep us sane and happy. Some are there to show us what life is about and let us feel their unconditional love. Some are simply there to help and teach us life’s lessons. Some enter our lives only for a few minutes, while some enter and stay for quite a while. Either way, each and every person we encounter will leave an effect on us in one way or another. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for these things, I still find it more difficult and heartbreaking each time. Does anything even last forever?

Everything happens for a reason. How many times have you heard that saying? I guess, if someone comes into your life and after a while leaves you with a feeling that you’ve been stabbed in the chest, don’t be disheartened; that person came into your life for a reason. Just look at the brighter side I guess, and be thankful that they were once a part of your life.

On a high

What are your daily essentials? Better yet, what's inside your bag? Are you the type that would wear an oversized bag, or just the purse type? I'm not really the 'kikay' type and would you believe it, sometimes I even hate carrying bags! Which is quite ironic since I love collecting bags, I guess I just don't like the wearing bit sometimes. HAHA

Anyway this is what's inside my bag. My daily essentials.

The guts: Guess wallet, Lucas PawPaw Lipbalm, Clean & Clear face moisturizer, Euphoria Calvin Klein lotion, Fantasy perfume, Red shades, Red comb, house keys, Smiggle ID tag, Nokia e65 cellphone, my cigarettes and lighter.

got bags?

I was cleaning my room earlier, and I didn't realize how much bags I have, varying from colours and sizes, considering I have not included my party bags/pouches in this picture. HAHA I can probably even have my own "mini ukay ukay stand" if I ever go bankrupt!

miss vanity is a camwhore
when boredom strikes

indeed I am miss vanity, taken in my room just 5 minutes ago.

I should really start smiling in photos don't cha think?

and lastly my ever pouting pose.

first love
may 13 2003
Jed Andrei Guinto & Kristine Ciara Santos

Once in a while
You are in my mind
I think about the days that we had
And I dream that these would all come back to me
If only you knew every moment in time
Nothing goes on in my heart
Just like your memories
How I want here to be with you
Once more

You will always gonna be the one
And you should know
How i wish i could have never let you go
Come into my life again
Oh, don't say no
You will always gonna be the one in my life
So true, i believe i can never find
Somebody like you
My first love

As the song goes. Don't get me wrong, of course I value the memories I had with my first love. However, I don't love him anymore. I would say that I cannot relate to this song, although I cannot be a hypocrite about it at times. I miss him, sometimes. Once in a blue moon really, I don't believe in that saying, "first love never dies". Of course it does, otherwise you wouldn't date other people right?

Do you remember your first love? Oh wait, what a rhetorical question. Of course you would. It's the first time you've ever been able to hold someone else's hand and be all "kilig" about it, to celebrate that so called "monthsaries", go on dates, and most especially he/she is the one who would have made you experience the pleasure and pain of love for the first time.

My first love was Jed Andrei Guinto. We met through a common friend, when we were 15 years old. We dated for about 2 years and a half, and then the rest was history. I enjoyed his company, taught me a lot about life.

Anyway, I was cleaning up my computer files when I stumbled upon old pictures of my ex first love and I. I didn't realize that I still had a folder of all our pictures, when in fact it's been 4 years. I guess it's still nice to look back and just have a laugh. It's funny how photographs can take you back to those times.

no car + no money = staying at home + photowhoring

Earlier this morning, in my dad's car.

In my room, wow hehe I look mestiza for once! BAHAHA

and back to my morena self.

*bow* hehe

a little special something
from me to you

Can I just share? This Video was meant to be my Anniversary gift to him. It's not perfect or anything, it's actually the first video I've ever made for anyone. Sorry, I didn't upload this on youtube to broadcast or show it off it to the world. I just wanted to simply make something special for him. Something that he could have appreciated and something we could have both looked back on. Let's just say I poured out my heart and all my effort into making this, too bad he never saw this. It took me a while to make it, and I guess even though we've broken up, I thought I'd post it here in respect to all our memories together. Honestly, I do hope that one day, he would stumble upon this video. After all, he has been a big part of my life.

I just want to say sorry for everything I have done once again. I know it is partly my fault why "we" ended. I wish there was a way for me to show you how sorry I am. A relationship is always a two way thing, I'm sure you will also agree with me na hindi lang ikaw ang nasaktan dito. We both got hurt, and pareho tayong nagkamali, hindi lang ako or ikaw. One person isn't just responsible for the downfall of a relationship. Alam mo naman na lahat ng nararamdaman ko about you. Nasabi ko narin lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sayo, and basta alam mo masaya na ako doon. I just want to let you know that you have taught me many things in life. Things I will never forget.

Thank you.

APOLOGIZE
timbaland

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

mask

I saw this ad today at the mall. It just made my little mind, curious yet again. Do some people actually hide their emotions thinking that if they open up, they will be a burden to the ones they confide in? Wala lang, I'm not going through depression or anything, it just makes me think.. Why do we have to hide how we really feel? Why do we pretend to put on a smile for example when we are dying inside? Do we actually do this to fool ourselves into believing that we are "fine", when clearly we are not. Yeah, we don't have to drown into misery, but I guess just facing the problem and getting it out of your system is the best way. Instead of ignoring and hoping that the problem would fade away by itself. It won't..

just a thought

“Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone and do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering…”

I stumbled upon someone's blog today, and saw this very meaningful quote. Wala lang, it just makes me think. First thing that came to my mind when I read that was about "Second Chances" in a relationship. My own interpretation of the first part would be, if you have chosen to give your partner a second chance for whatever reason, then there's no point bringing up shit from the past. If you have made the decision to give that person another chance to correct any mistakes they have done, then you need to really find it in your heart to forgive them first. I mean, I do believe in second chances, especially if that person really has the will to make things work the second time around, then I guess nothings impossible. "Lahat naman ng tao pwedeng magbago". I don't believe in the usual sayings na " A player will always be a player" for example, or an "addict will always be an addict".

Sino ba tayo para hindi magpatawad diba? Sabi nga ng marami, Kung ang Diyos nga nakakapag patawad, paano pa kaya tayo?.Haay, I obviously have an overworked mind yet again. * slaps herself* hehe just kidding.

recovering

My body hurts, specifically my neck, bruises on my chest and my legs. I got home last night from the hospital at around 10.30pm. So yes, I had a very long day. At around 11pm, my other tita and tito who didn't get the chance to see me at the hospital came over instead.

Karen on the other hand, texted me today at around 8 am today asking how I was feeling, she on the other hand has bad stomach aches because of the accident, it's that bad that everytime she eats her stomach will cramp. Oh well, happy recovering to you and I kazBAH!

November 15, 2007 - 1pm Australia time - The car accident, A day Day to Remember

Front view of the damage

Side view of the damage, passenger seat ( where I was sitting)

So what now?

Today is the official start of a new chapter in the life of Kristine Ciara Santos. New beginnings for me. Leaving all my excess baggage behind. I know that you may find me to be very emotional or sometimes even too over dramatic, but my emotion level is off the Richter scale today and I need an outlet for the last time.

A few valuable life lessons I learned:

* Everything indeed does happen for a reason

* FRIENDS ; not everyone will consider you as a friend, no matter how much importance or effort you give them. We cannot use money to find them. Friends are one of the most important things we have that money cannot buy. They love us, they care for us, they listen to us, they never judge us, and they believe in us. If they don't then they aren't your friends at all.

* There are two sides to every story. Whether or not you already have made an assumption or reached a conclusion about that person, before giving them a chance to speak for themselves. Regardless of how you feel about a situation or incident, the other person has his/her own feelings about it too.

* You can't change people. You can't force, whether consciously or not, someone to become something you want them to be.

* and most importantly, I learned that every single day I wake up is a chance to grow into the person I aspire to be and change what needs to be changed. If I fail today, there is always tomorrow. If I fail tomorrow, there is the next day. There is no "time limit" for growth.

I learned not a while ago that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a God send and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real- but only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. So I would like to Thank who has become a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Inner Peace is needed more than anything else. Once you have it, everything becomes so much easier. So much lighter. So much, well, peaceful. Once you make peace with yourself, you don't have to try hard to look pleasant, to look happy, to look radiant. Believe me, it just shows

To those who understands what I am babbling on about I just want you to know that no one's the bad guy here. I'm contented by just listening and watching everyone talk. Yet, some people make a big fuss out of it, claiming things that aren't true, thinking things that aren't even the case. It's such an annoying feeling to be judged, really. especially if it ain't true, guess it just shows what kind of people they really are. It's funny. when you're all talkative and defending yourself they would call you defensive and they make fun of it, yet if you keep quiet, they associate it with negative meanings and assume that your guilty.

Can't people realize that just as much as there are actions that have meanings beyond what they convey, there are also actions that mean no more than what is shown?!? I guess people will always be people, we just tend to think so much, think the way we want to think, that is, regardless if it's really the case or not.It's true we have a price we have to pay for every decision we make. It's true we have to learn how to control ourselves and practice the art of being just. But when it comes to feelings, to strong emotions, is there such a thing as being FAIR?

You see, we can all judge. I mean, we would be hypocrites if we say we don't. But just know your limitations. Make sure your judgments can be proven easily. Do not judge more than what you can see, not just your personal opinions that may not really be true. Most importantly, do not exaggerate and do not make up stories to conclude your judgements. Be fair and believe in karma.

I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I feel like this experience put me up another notch in the growing up department. All in all, it was good. I know I'll be fine. We all will. So now I'm starting clean. I'm chasing new dreams and walking down a new road. I'm a bit disoriented though I know what it is I want. I'm just relieved that I took the first step back to myself.

After the rain, there's always sunshine... and already I can see glimpses of it. Life is indeed good.

for every woman..

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong;
There is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of being called an "emotional" female;
There is a man who is denied the right to weep and be gentle.

- Nancy R. Smith

Don't you just agree with this statements? She's just put into words exactly how I see the differences in how men and women deal with their issues, especially LOVE Issues. Women are oppressed; whilst men are repressed. It doesn't necessarily mean that if they are smiling, everything is fine.

I was chatting to a friend earlier today about Relationships. It was a usual conversation between the two of us. She asked me how I was since I have recently broken up from a 13 month relationship. The usual, "bakit naman?", and "sayang naman" were mentioned. Sayang? Yea, I could honestly agree with that. Sayang because of all the "emotional investments" that were given, all went down the drain. I know a lot of people would actually disagree with me, some would say that when you should never regret, instead be thankful that it even happened. If there is something I've learned in this whole Love department, I would have to say that "too much of everything is indeed bad".

Love is a vacuum, it sucks you in when your most vulnerable. It sucks you in and no matter how much you try to hold on to something, you'll find yourself being pulled into it and then after that, you can't find your way out. They usually say, people learn from their mistakes and experiences but why don't we ever learn no matter how many times we get our hearts broken? When we love, we still tend to give them our 100%, despite all heartbreaks we've been through. They say that once you get your heart broken, it molds you into a stronger person, and makes you wiser. Question is, does it really? I guess we will only find out, when you meet someone who can break the cycle and make you want to keep trying until... well, forever.

Someone who will love you, even the ugly parts, who will ride with your little quirks that make you feel like a freak, who will make you ooh and aah because he can teach you things you didn't know, who won't be threatened by your intelligence and will stimulate it and basically will want to keep trying with you forever too.

the photowhore in me

At work smile and giggle.

Don't I love making faces. And wow, I didn't realise that I look quite different without eyeliner. I look pale. bah!
Taken while watching my tele novelas.

I tried to smile in this picture.

taken in my friend's red sexy car during a mini road trip. I was just taking random pictures.

Glimpse of the beach. Hmm so relaxing

GROWING PAINS

When I think about it, there are so many things I have learnt about life, in the past year. Even though it doesn't seem that way, I actually did. Here are some of the things, Ive learnt about myself. Im human, I make mistakes, and Im sorry for it.

1. I learned that although I am naturally emotional and sentimental, I don't have to ~~drown~~ in my in my feelings all the time.

2. I learned that if you want something really badly, all the universe will conspire for you to get it, but it may not come in the exact form you wanted it to, so your job is to recognize it.

3. I learned that you can be logical without losing your heart, and emotional without losing your head.

4. I learned that crying really does make you feel better but there comes a time when you have to let smiling do the job.

5. I learned that your real friends may not always be physically there, they may be too busy to chit chat with you, too tired to just hang out but they will never cease to amaze you by being there at the most important times, saying all the right things.

6. ~~I learned that I am able to touch people's lives in ways I don't mean to or even understand, but I am thankful that I have that gift.~~ Im really iffy about this one, I'd like to think that I do though.

7. I learned that everything that is meant to be will eventually be. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have always believed this. Sometimes it comes to you in an instant, sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes years, some times you have even forgotten about it and it all of a sudden comes your way. Patience really is a virtue.

8. I learned that letting go is the most painful process that people go through, but it is also the most enriching. It tests your limits, it tries to knock down your strength and it tries to tell you you aren't worth anything. But, when you've won the battle, you realize you are stronger, wiser and closer to becoming "whole".

9. In the past years I have learned how to love (not to mention all the heartbreaks), I learned how to do it right. This is the best lesson, by far. Because of this, I learned how to love myself too.

10. I learned that every single day I wake up is a chance to grow into the person I aspire to be and change what needs to be changed. If I fail today, there is always tomorrow. If I fail tomorrow, there is the next day. There is no "time limit" for growth.

Kung ayaw mo na sa akin

Kung ayaw mo na sa akin
di na kita pipilitin
kung buo na ang loob mo,
bahala kana sa buhay mo
di ako desperado
sa walang kapantay na pag-ibig mo.
Sa mga halik mong walang kasing tamis
tubig ako at ikaw ang langis

Kung hindi ka na babalik
Araw araw na akong gigimik
Kung malayo ka na ay malaya na ako
Ngunit ang kahapon ko ay bihag pa rin
ng alaala mo

Kung ayaw mo na sa akin
di na kita hahabulin
medyo bata pa naman ako
may mabibighani pa sakin
kung ayaw mo na ako
leche lalong ayoko sayo
Alam mo naman kung san ang bahay ko
baka sakaling magbago
ang isip mo please..

Love is love

When you love someone, you love someone. You don't really have a choice in the matter. Sure, you can choose what to do about it. You can ignore it, you can walk away from it, you can hide it, you can divert your attention, you can welcome it, you can accept it-whatever you decide doesn't change the feelings involved in the situation.

I think we waste so much time thinking about our ~~fears, issues and hang-ups~~ that we can't fully enjoy, appreciate and be completely present in our relationships, then when the person isn't there anymore, you start wishing you did things differently.

THANK YOU
bitoon

It really feels good to know that you can depend on someone in times you need a friend the most.

Moreover, it feels good to know that the person you least expected to be there suddenly shows up when no one seems to care.

It's funny how the people you're around with don't understand how you feel, yet the person you don't even see much seems to just understand every single thing, without you telling every detail.

Isn't it ironic that the person you aren't really close to is the one, and the only one who really sees through you?

Life is really a big mystery. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but it's really when you lose that you see who really cares about you.

I'm just glad that even though I'm in the point of confusion now, someone actually understands me and tries to comfort me. You are indeed my star.